A Journey of a Thousand Names... Pt. 1

This morning my two-year-old announced he was The Hulk.  The reasoning was fairly simple.  He did not want to get up, he was cold, in a bad mood, and in general hated everything.

Hulk Smash!  Hulk Mad!

Little eyebrows scrunched down over eyes that looked out at me with an expression of general dissatisfaction... very much like the green monster who goes around smashing everything in a rage.

Accurate labeling, even though he is two.

He is brilliant!  The next great thinker!

Well, okay, maybe not, but it is a good introduction into this meandering journey regarding identity structures and labels.

...who AM i.... WHO am i... who am I...

This is from the movie Rango.  A gem full of wisdom.  Well, not really, but the movie is about identity.  About the process of becoming someone.... or rather, taking on an identity, a label, that will announce to the world the exact nature of who you (me, him, her etc.) are...

So, who am I this morning?

Let me count the ways:  mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, writer, runner, reader, and general geek.  I am a college graduate, a high school graduate, a former journalist, a former FedEx employee, a democrat, a Caucasian, a woman.

The labels could keep coming.  I have been and will be a thousand different things in my lifetime, as will every single human being on this planet.  We are awash in labels and names and identity structures, which leads to the psychosis of trying to answer the never-ending-question of "who am I?" 

But what do these labels actually mean?  Because labels are really just words.  Words with assigned meaning.

Dictionary definition of mother: (n) a female parent.

But, I am not just a mother, but a stay at home mother.  This is a very different label than just "mother."  If you want proof, put "stay at home mom" in Google search and see what comes up.  The entries abound, and the craziness abounds as well.  People have very... um, strong... opinions about stay at home moms.  And that is just one label.  Just one label of many that define who I am.  But, the question I have come to ask the last little while is:  how can a label define who I am?  And out of all the labels I have, which one is the right one, the one that actually encapsulates my person? 

Around and around we go.  Dizziness is a side effect.

There are layers upon layers of questions intertwined with this issue, and these questions started waaaaaay back in the days of elementary school.  Remember those days; a little person with this big whole world in front of them and a teacher asks about what they want to be when they grow up.  I don't have a physical memory of that event, but I'm sure it happened, and I, no doubt, answered with "doctor" or "lawyer" or something along those lines.  A label of who I wanted to be when I grew up.  Then I did grow up.  And people kept asking me that question.  What are you going to school for?  Translation; what kind of career are you pursuing? Then, when I was out of school, "what do you do?"  What that question is really attempting to answer is: what label are you going to, or have, assumed in life.  Who are you as based on what you do?  I am a lawyer.  I'm not, actually, but if I was that would hold a certain explanation of who I am.  A label.  A loaded label.  A label that in one word can define my entire person for whoever asks me the question; what do you do?

This is rather long-winded, I realize, but I am leading up to my point.

Oh, wait, I have arrived at my point.

I am uneasy with the label SAHM.  Oooooh boy am I uneasy with that label.  Don't get my wrong.  I love being a SAHM and I would not choose otherwise.  But the label itself is exhausting.  In a society that judges based on labels, this label is a mindfield of judgement (both negative and positive).  And not just from others.  I spent the first year staying at home, trying to figure out what I was going to do five years from then, when my son would go to school, and I would go back to work.  What my next label would be. I was so uneasy with being labeled a SAHM, I wanted to be able to tell people that I was a SAHM temporarily, only for a little while, then I would go back to being a "journalist" or go back to school to become a "therapist" or maybe I would work as a "teacher."

Dark mood.  Depression.  Two reactions that I have learned to look out for.  When I start getting depressed and black-moody, I know it is time to for self-exploration.  Yeah for self-exploration! 

Sort of... because sometimes self exploration is a rabbit hole.  As in Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole.  Complete with magical solutions that both grow and shrink you.

What I found out while looking into my depression is that I had a problem with being labeled a SAHM.  I didn't like the feeling of this label.  My mind rebelled.  But not necessarily because of the term itself.  I found, as I wrote and wrote and wrote in journals, that my problem lay not in the actual term, but in the labeling process in general.  Which is unfortunate, because labeling is historical.

It's evolution, baby.

Seriously.  Labeling is hardwired into us from centuries before.  I am going to switch terminology a bit, and instead of "label," now use the word "roles."  Really, one in the same.  I am a mother.  That is a label and role.  But it is only one of several of my roles.  A couple of centuries ago, one, maybe two roles were who you were no matter what. Rigid.  No movement.  You are woman (or man, child, hunter, gatherer etc. etc.) and that is what you did.  Period.  No questions.  Well, maybe there were a few hardy souls that still questioned.  Those questioning fools, the ones that buck the norms, those buggers have been around all through history.  But most people were the roles they played.  Think of last names.  I have a friend with a last name Baker; wonder what his ancestors did? 

So, to assume a label, or role, is natural.  The thing is, somewhere along the line, the roles we assume have lost their rigidity.  If I am born into a family of bakers, I don't necessarily have to take on that role.  Heck, even the role of gender can now be changed.  I was born a female but really feel like I am a man.  Okay.  Role... or label... changed.  The rigidity is almost entirely gone.  What has arisen from this, however, is an overabundance of labels.  And people, along with cooperation, organizations, countries, etc. etc. have taken advantage.

Think I am talking crazy?  Nope.  A multi-billion dollar industry called advertising is the example I hold up.  The sole purpose of advertising is tell consumers who they are... or who they should be.  Thinner.  Prettier.  A vacationer to Hawaii.  Labels.  Labels to define who we are as a people.  Labels to define who I am and who I want to be and who I SHOULD be.  This does not settle well with me.  Actually, it does not settle well with a lot of people.  Stress. Depression. A constant rat race to be as good as our neighbors, or the people in the magazines, or the people on the television.  A nation, in particular the United States, trying to bigger and better all the time.  More money.  More things.  More stuff.

But there has developed, in the last little while, a reaction to this movement.  You've likely heard this before, haven't you?  About the negativity of the rat race?  That it is bad to try to keep up with the Jones's?  There is a wave of change that has tried and is trying to show that bigger and better does not mean happier.  That advertising is propaganda to get you to buy so cooperation can make money.  Bottom dollar.  Not about what makes you a better or happier person, but what can put money in the pockets of those doing the advertising.

Happiness is not in a new car.  Or a new haircut.  It is not in how you are labeled or how you label yourself.  Ah, a happy life.  Isn't that the goal of everyone? It was my goal and is my goal.  To find happiness.

So, that is where we will stop this particular entry.  A teaser.  A cliffhanger. 

What is happiness?  I will answer that question, and tell you how to accomplish create a happy life.

BAHAHA!  I am a liar.  I will not.  But I will address happiness in my life, and how labels, or a lack thereof, helps me on my journey.

Stay tuned.  Same bat-time.  Same bat-channel.

Or something.